The gay, blonde, Velocirapter

It’s that time again; weird dreams.

Last night was more of a nightmare really though.
I was in a strange metallic and dingy room that was basically a maze of walk in showers. I was talking to the caretaker about the best one of the odd thousand on offer when all of a sudden he morphed into my old year 7 to 9 french teacher.

That would be Mr Verdy to any Bonus people reading and remember him. He was a tall, long blonde haired, gay guy. Who seemed to love sailors and did indecent things to cats. (Anyone who remembers why that is can have my kudos.)
Come to think of it, he looked a bit like Bruno.

I love to watch ze sailors!

Back to the story!

I obviously ran through the maze of showers trying to escape the newly morphed Mr Verdy and his terrifying blonde hair. I also always seemed to be able to see the old schools caretaker, Ben, just mopping up every now and then, but he wouldn’t help.

I finally made it to open air, which turned out to be my pimary schools playground – I must have been missing primary and secondary education last night – but it was out of bounds. Out of bounds my girlfriend warned me, because of velocirapters. Just as i was told this, one came into view and bounded for us, I turned round and there was Mr Verdy’s MASSIVE HEAD laughing at me and it consumed my vision and I woke up. Terrified. Naturally of course.

Dream Machine

I really could do with writing down my dreams as soon as I wake from them.

I’m pretty sure I had about 5 crazy dreams last night, but I can only remember the most tame.
This consisted of me in my old Fiesta, driving up a friends road and deliberately knocking off a big BMW’s wing mirror, waiting outside for the owner to shout abuse at me, and then doing a tremendous skidding getaway shouting, “WANNNKKKKKKERRRRRRRRRR”, out my window.

I’m pretty sure I woke up laughing though.

Fuck my life!

FML is my new obsession.
For those who have not come across it before, it’s a site where people can share how fucked their life is. Which is an amazing daily read where you can agree that their life is indeed fucked, or that they had it coming to them, in order to work out who’s life is the most fucked.

Here is number 1  fucked uplife entry at the moment proceeded by some of my random favourite finds: Enjoy.

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her “Edward”. I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her “Twilight” book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. “I-I-I MISS HIM!” She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

Today, I was feeling up my girlfriends chest. I was getting into it until she said “What are you doing?” I said I was rubbing her nipple. She replies, “Thats not my nipple, its a pimple.” I felt up a pimple. FML

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend’s face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

"My life sucks but I dont give a fuck"

Please, Defense Minister, NOO!

I think my former blog may have been a tad harsh, but, oh well.

Bigger fish to fry right now! I just woke up from one of the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had. However I think I can explain bits of it (I think).

Picture this:

The scene is New York, USA. Myself and a few friends are detectives, with a bit of a twist though…. We are on the hunt of something a little strange. Defense Minister Dimitri Mishkin (pictured right, who is from the James Bond film Goldeneye) is killing people.

The russian defense minister from Goldeneye

But not in the usual and conventional way. Oh no.
Our little friend is using his demonic red eye power to tell the gangs of New York to kill very random victims.

When I say random, I mean that in the dream, me and my friends are shown the case files of a gang inviting some old people to play mini golf and then murdering them with the plastic clubs?

Roll forward a bit in the dream and the setting is a weirdly shaped marquee and we’re chasing Mishkin as he has just told some Japanese kid to kill himself by bashing his head against a pole. We catch up, we spin him around, and who do I discover we were chasing instead? Roman Abramovich. In my shock to discover that I didn’t realise that everyone was running away it seems, because the next moment I’m being shot in the side by Chris Rock, and as I lay dying, he takes off his sunglasses to reveal his red eyes and good ol’ defense minister mishkin is over his shoulders and they both say at the same time, “That’s right mother fucker!”", and I wake up. Very, very, scared.

That's right mother fucker!